


All My Life, Live For Today

by Grinner_H



Category: Finder no Hyouteki | Finder Series
Genre: Angst, Gen, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-09
Updated: 2014-10-09
Packaged: 2018-02-20 12:42:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2429249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grinner_H/pseuds/Grinner_H
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ten drabbles.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you stole my trust, left me to die

**Author's Note:**

  * For [PrincessofTor](https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessofTor/gifts).



The day Fei Long broke, he'd drunkenly stumbled into the hard plane of Yoh's chest, fingers catching the lapel of his shirt, crushing white cotton between them - so much like _please,_ so much like _fix me._

Yoh remembers that day in great detail - _vivid_ like the shredded skin on his back, the teeth marks and bruises littering Fei Long's silken skin.

The truth is, Fei Long broke long before that - nine years ago on a night of blood and betrayal. 

Yoh had learned all this _later,_ of course, amid bottles of Jack and too many cigarettes, raw pain and want for all the wrong reasons.

And now.

 _Now,_ Yoh sits in the center of chaos, surrounded by four lonely walls and bloodied sheets; broken glass and shattered dreams - _nightmares_ \- on repeat.

 _This must be punishment,_ Yoh thinks, fingers tracing the map of bruises along Fei Long's side, _for wanting something I can never have._

He tries to fix him still - watching Fei Long break a little more with each attempt - and tries to ignore the ache in his heart like the rending twist of a rusted blade.


	2. there was a time where we could shine, when you were right here by my side

Kou watches. 

He watches Akihito watching Asami, stupidly shitfaced on crippling self-pity and too-expensive wine.

Akihito is smiling like he's just won life's lottery, staring up at Asami with eyes that sparkle like glitter and hope. 

The sight of it makes Kou sick to his stomach. He fights the bile with one glass too many, as if the liquor's the only thing that's keeping him from falling to pieces. 

And then, he notices Kirishima Kei intently watching _him._

\--

Later, Kou finds himself pressed against the door of his apartment, being thoroughly _kissed_ as if Kirishima were trying to eat him whole. 

Kou isn't quite sure how this happened, but he kisses back anyway - forceful and desperate, like some needful thing. He winds his arms around Kirishima's neck, fingers digging into his scalp, and tries his utmost to forget what heartbreak feels like.


	3. continue to climb until you finally see it, open up your eyes, you can see me

It is ten years and a whirlwind of fuckery, life restored and warped ambition.

It is a rending deluge of guilt and denial, stubborn, misplaced pride and attention-seeking insanity.

It's coming full circle - dead eyes ignited, then flames snuffed out - and righting wrongs only to wrong again.

It's ceaseless trials and unimpeachable patience, breaking down walls of what's already long broken.

It takes ten years of simply _being_ there - a decade of _still here_ and _let me in_ \- before Fei Long's eyes rekindle at the mention of _Yoh's_ name.

And then Yoh falls in love - all over again.


	4. raise up your glass, and we drink till it's done

Some days, he's just too tired to care, too tired to _live._

And it's all he can do to drag himself across the threshold of his apartment, fighting the temptation to just _pass out,_ right here in the genkan.

But then there's music and something that smells suspiciously like charred spaghetti and white wine. 

And he finds Kou, hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, looking utterly delectable in nothing but an apron and too-tight jeans, and - sleeping neighbors be damned - dancing around the kitchen to _SIMULATION._

"Welcome home," Kou calls, muffled around the barrel of the cigarette he's trying to light on the stove.

Kirishima smiles, not protesting when Kou saunters over to him with seductively swaying hips and the Devil's smile, reeling him in with his tie and laughingly dragging him into a silly dance amid cheesy pop music and burnt food.

He's doesn't feel tired anymore.


	5. after all this time, trying to be someone, well, look at what i've become

This is what life feels like. 

An invisible weight on his shoulders, heavy like incrimination, suffocating like walls closing in.

The hollow sensation in his gut, as if his internal organs are nothing but a flimsy illusion.

The agonizing ache in his chest, devoid of warmth, missing something he never owned to begin with.

And the excruciating knowledge that he'd irreparably, unequivocally _fucked this up._

But the hardest part wasn't the twisted, rapid descent out of control, nor was it the betrayal - duty over love, duty over _everything_ \- of the one person he'd never meant to hurt.

And it's not _this moment_ \- watching dead eyes and a somber mouth from an unreachable distance, and knowing that it's _all his fucking fault._

The hardest part is walking away from it all.


	6. you go run run running around, my wish is, you don't go running away

Some days, Kou reminds him of Takaba Akihito; teasing and toying, dancing just _barely_ out of reach, eyes bright like a challenge. _Prove that you want me, baby._

 _He's such an idiot sometimes,_ Kirishima thinks, with no real spite in it; the intoxicating thrill of the chase lighting a fire in his belly and thrumming something fierce within his veins.

He can't resist the wry smile that cuts across his usually grave countenance when he realizes that this must be what Asami-sama constantly feels like.


	7. your ghost lives in the corners of my mind

He moves like a cliché - from one bar to the next, dark shadows of street corners and back alleys. 

They always look the same - charcoal eyes half-concealed beneath raven bangs, tall and taciturn like an old ghost that haunts his memories.

They'd tangle their hands in his hair - forceful grips and fingers that _bite_ \- and press their lips against the sensitive underside of his jaw _just so,_ but it always feels different, always feels _wrong._

And then he'd be bent over and ruthlessly _fucked,_ fast and hard and _cruel;_ blinding pain that sharpens and blurs the edges of his mind because - more than _this,_ 'cause he really doesn't _want_ this at all - he wants so much not to _remember._

But when it's over, it's _worlds_ of white-hot pain that come rushing back like water breaking through a dam, because Fei Long has long since forgotten how to _forget._


	8. i want to taste the flavor of your kiss

Of all the moments in his life, _this_ would be the one Yoh would frame on a wall if he could.

The tumble of Fei Long's ebony hair like a midnight waterfall, the spark of his dark brown eyes, disfigured with fervid desire. 

The part of his lips - open around filthy words and filthier sounds which send shock waves of pleasure straight to Yoh's groin - and the line of kiss marks he wears upon his collarbone like a necklace.

The enticing sheen of his sweat-slicked skin, and the sway of his slender body when he fucks himself on Yoh's cock.

It's the most intoxicating thing - the sensation of Fei Long's nipple, hard beneath the pad of his thumb, the heat of his cock dripping precum onto the soft skin of Yoh's belly.

But _this_ is the part that Yoh likes best - the one he'd put on pause with life's remote control if only he knew how to stop time, even for a moment. 

It's the way Fei Long leans forward, bending Yoh's cock in _that_ way which feels oh-so-fucking- _good,_ melding their lips together in a way that reads, _Yours._

It's Yoh's hand finding its home at the base of Fei Long's skull, holding him close and fierce, territorial and _ravenous._ And he _savors_ him, fucks that willing mouth with his tongue sure as he's fucking _him_ \- the man with the dirtiest mouth and the most sensitive hair in all of Hong Kong - and Yoh revels in the taste of Fei Long that's a lot like beauty and too much like sin.


	9. i'll burn brighter, i'll be smarter till i, i'll find a way

Beneath an infinite sky of darkness, where no sound nor light could hope to reach, Fei Long sits - cold like Death's attery hand and utterly fucking _terrified._

Around him is impregnable nothingness - a ceaseless void in which not even the echoes of his anguished screams exist.

Perhaps it is because he cannot hear; not his despairing cries, not even the sound of his own panicked breaths. Maybe he has been rendered mute and unfeeling as well.

Fei Long _hears_ nothing, _sees_ nothing, and in all this he is utterly, utterly _alone._

But within him is a fire - kindled by the thought of just _one_ name - and he begins to climb; up a ladder with innumerable rungs through unending darkness and pain, in the hopes that he may one day see and hear again.

He will climb for as long as it takes until he stands at the top, and the pathway there will be littered with corpses.


	10. i don't need to be forgiven

"You ever wish you weren't gay?" Takato asks one day, seemingly out of the blue, over beer and burgers at their favorite fast food joint.

 _Fact is,_ Kou muses, between one mouthful of fries to the next, _if I really thought about it, my life would have turned out pretty different._

And he realizes this : that if he weren't gay, his parents would never have been ashamed of him.

If they weren't ashamed, he wouldn't have had to move out.

If he hadn't moved out, he wouldn't have made the decision to attend college in a different prefecture.

If he hadn't been accepted into that college, he would never have met Takato and Akihito.

If Akihito weren't in his life, he never would have encountered Asami Ryuuichi.

And if he'd never crossed paths with Asami Ryuuichi, he never would have met Kirishima Kei.

Kou leans back in his seat - thinks about kind eyes and strong hands, of unflagging diligence and surprising tenderness - and grins with ketchup-stained teeth. "Nope. I never have."


End file.
